taking responsibilty/feeling free

my mother made her "amends" in AA. (am i breaking a code by telling you that?) in any event, it was pretty amazing. a huge component we've both been learning is taking responsibility for your own actions.

there's a counselor who teaches a class for the family members, and of course KF's been in her program for 14 hours a day for more than a month. specifically for the user, taking responsibilty means finding what led you to and kept you in your addiction, and the negative impact it had on yourself & others; and for the enabler [me, other close family members] identifying what behaviors supported them continuing to use, and the negative impact it had on yourself & others.

i'm now touting recovery groups for the entire world. i'm not kidding, i've learned so much.

in the past 40 days, it seems that i've matured 10 years. coming to grips with the parts of my mom's addiction that i could control, couldn't control, and the funky family dynamics of building a life around an addict have completely changed my perspective. i've let go of a lot of anger. because, in the face of addiction, there is injustice. and having the opportunity to lash out and throw words like "hate" at drugs and alcohol is remarkably freeing. (one of the fantastic assignments family members do in our group is write a letter of anger to drugs and alcohol - identifying that our user is still a human and the hate must be directed at the substances themselves. i can't tell you how cathartic that was.)

so, my mom's amends. she took responsibility for the affect her alcoholism had on me as a child, citing specific instances and examples. it was extremely powerful. she followed up with a series of commitments - to attend AA meetings regularly, stay in touch with her sponsor, and to keep her own expectations in check.

i cannot begin to explain to you how much different the woman who sat before me is from the Little Kathie i checked into rehab 40 days ago. Little Kathie was a pushover and always put herself last. her only solace, it seemed, were substances (a thought i wrote hatefully in my letter: "you were the only one there for her, drugs and alcohol. you were her faithful friend and i hate you for that. because you never led her to hope or healing or truth. you led her further down into destruction. you are a destroyer, and i hate you. but you will not claim victory over her"). Big Kathie, as she calls herself now, sat before me and identified things i never knew she realized before - the parental role reversal that happens in many alcoholic families, which took me thousands of dollars of therapy to discover - and took full responsibility.

i felt such relief. it's not that i ever considered myself at fault for her drinking. and i'm fortunate. some children who grow up in alcoholic homes believe they are at fault. but for years, too many years, i have taken the role of ensuring her okay-ness; making sure she didn't go over the edge completely. and with the changes she's made and these commitments, i feel free to let her take care of herself and to focus on taking care of my own okay-ness - an amazing consideration for a woman of 27 to make of her mother. i'd say it's time.

the primary lesson here is this: when we take responsibility of what's ours, we release others to take responsibility of what's theirs. when any human relationship suffers a power struggle or overdependency or lack of autonomy, a check needs to be made. am i dealing with what's mine right now? or am i trying to control what's yours? attempting to determine another's behavior - whether they're an addict or not - is exhausting and fruitless. at the same time, being dominated by the ebbs and flows of another's wishes, wants, and hopes will leave you person-less. as a champion for human dignity, taking responsibility is the best way to respect yourself and others, because the flip side is that you're abdicated from the responsibility of managing more than you can handle. consider that - and be free.