the sting of rejection

I woke up with the socked-in-the-stomach feeling that accompanies rejection. This past month, I’ve been spending a few days a week with a musician I’ve known for years, with the understanding that we were both potentially interested in being more than friends but wanting to take things slow. I just decided last week that I really like him. He told me last night that he doesn’t feel the same and wants to return to being just friends.

There are a few main thoughts that come with this:

1) You know me. Pretty well. And I’m not enough? This is a classic ploy of the enemy’s – one of the things he’s constantly whispering to me, anyway (if they really know you, they won’t love you; if you stop working hard, you’ll be worthless; if you aren’t meeting someone’s needs, they’ll leave you) – they all add up to the same lie: you’re not enough. Or sometimes I hear the reverse: you’re too much.
2) You don’t want me. Dan came to the rescue* by pointing out that no matter what, knowing that another person is choosing to not be with you sucks. And it does. There’s a sting to it.

As I re-read those, I guess they’re doubts. It makes me think of something my boss (who pastors our church) said over the Easter weekend. He’s learned to doubt his doubts. And the truth is, I’ve come a long way. I’m totally allowed to hurt and feel sad for a day (sigh, my day’s almost done), but all the while, I know that these doubts are irrational. I know I’m not “too much” and I’m far from “not enough”. And I know that the musician choosing not to be with me is exactly that – a choice. He has to do what's best for him.

So that's the report. Rejection is never fun, but I'm in the midst of a great growing season, and this is just another part of it.

* He also came to the rescue by highlighting that I had looked amazing at a party the night before and he’d forgotten to mention it. 14 points for coming in with a killer compliment at a clutch moment.