songs of the week

more than a feeling - boston
my love - justin timberlake featuring T.I. & timbaland
built to last - tom petty & the heart breakers
what we talked about - old 97's
fumblin' - fergie

there's sand all over my bedroom. there's sand everywhere.

which is funny, because until a few weeks ago, i never went to the beach. i've lived in north county for the past four years, always within a mile of the ocean, but i've never spent much time on the shore. until now.

we end up at the beach. that's what we do. it's a safe zone. neutral territory. public property (which lends to safety of one kind - protecting me, in a sense, from myself). government property (which sets me at ease for other reasons).

but safety, comfort, common ground - that's why we end up at the beach. five times every week.

"this is what this season is like," i say, rubbing my jaw, because it aches. i've been smiling non-stop since i started spending time with him a few weeks ago. and when i'm not with him, i'm talking about him. it's taking its toll on me, physically. "i don't think we'll always be this ridiculous." and ridiculous, it is. he steers and changes gears with his left hand while his right hand calmly engulfs both of mine. after i tried to drive us somewhere once, we abandoned that idea, because i nearly killed us. i couldn't keep my eyes on the road.

so this is where we are. this is where i am. learning how to do life... without jenni (minus one), with caleb (plus one). in the midst of it, the Lord's teaching me that He's my protector, provider & the one who ultimately surrounds me and ensures that i'm not alone - an amazing lesson to be learning, because with my weak heart, i definately have a propensity to be swayed by this one's protective nature and just lose myself in this. God's grace and timing are honestly so amazing in teaching me extra lessons about His character just in time for me to keep focused on Him. in all of this, our ultimate goal is to honor Him above all & to love the Giver more than the gift.

i can't get this song out of my head.

the rocketswing

the details are sketchy, but it's a 2x4 that's maybe a foot and a half wide, and it hangs on a rope that's maybe 50 feet down from a tree that's maybe a eucalyptus tree.

it definately swings over a little gulch, can certainly hold your body weight, you for sure want to lean to the left to avoid coming back and hitting the tree stump, and it's absolutely more fun when you jump into your swing and don't just fall.

it's the rocketswing, and it's one of a few things that didn't exist in my world until just recently, but are threatening to shake things up. this makeshift rope swing, amongst other goings-on, has me shaking my head, laughing, and smiling, and asking, "what the hell am i doing?". have you ever felt half insane, and half more-sane-than-you've-ever-felt-before? without any good reason not to jump up on the tree stump that could quite possibly break my ankle, i guess it's my turn again, but i know i'll have a split second fear when my hands first grip the rope. it goes away once i'm flying, though.

songs of the week

the ocean - sunny day real estate
i like me (feat. D.A. T.R.U.T.H) - kirk franklin
collect call - metric
your rocky spine - great lake swimmers
slowness - calexico

adjustment period

i promised myself that i would create something today, since i had the day off, but i don't even know where to start.

my new room needs curtains, but i don't have my sewing machine. i have a painting in my head and heart, and i have a canvas, but it's dark out now and the easel's in the garage. hmmm. restrained by circumstances.

i want to do it all at once. i finally have some time. i want to do it all at once. i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired. i've been working so much -- too much. not too many hours, necessarily. i'm young, i can handle 50, 60 hour work weeks. but not having a day off? that's not okay. not having a day off for a few weeks in a row? extra awful.

but things they are a' changing. all over the place, it seems. jenni's gone, i'm settled into my new digs, i've cut back my workload and will now have a whole day off, consistently (thursdays - how random, but still).

so, deep breath, i'm giving myself grace, and time to adjust to all of this. 'cause there's a whole lot of it that i'm not used to.

life changes, everything changes.

so here it is. i knew Jesus was up to something.

i've seriously been praying for a breakthrough in two areas:
1) finances
2) adulthood

and i wasn't sure how He was going to make it happen. honestly, i get in the way. (i'm not the only one, i know you feel me on getting-in-the-way-of-your-own-growth.) i want to bust out of the bondage of my debt, and i want to grow beyond the simplicity of adolescence, but i seem to keep getting tripped up by the same patterns.

and there are things we hold onto. ahem, (i'm clearing my throat), people. relationships. y'all know what i mean.

jenni's moving to illinois. she got this amazing promotion - outside sales - and she's going to be able to be much closer to her family in iowa, it's a huge salary increase, she gets a company car, and her goal was always to move to outside sales, and she's made it there, at 26. that's phenomenal and i could not be more proud of her.

but she's leaving me.

she's my person.

and this is just earth-shattering. i can't even begin to get my head around the reality of it. who'm i going to debrief with? every saturday night? no more drunkenly belting 80's ballads while driving north on the 5? (okay, she was never drunk, and i rarely was, but the concept was called 'drunken harmonies' because of its origin.) seriously, who will defend the cattle farmers of america? who's going to laugh endearingly when, on beach cruiser rides to the ocean, i yell "that's inappropriate!" to the men who catcall?

at the same time, i've been thinking lately that i'm evolving. i'm not the same as i was when i moved to north county 4 years ago. jenni and i met in a bible study about 6 months after i arrived, when she first came out from iowa. and there are some times with friends, even with friends who love you and want the best for you, when you're stuck in the frame of who they think you are. (i feel like this was addressed really well - and super comically - on an episode of "how i met your mother" with lily and her high schol best friend.) i think there are some grown-up parts of me that are ready to emerge that i may have been reluctant to let flourish, out of fear for how they'd affect our friendship. so, with this new change, this new distance, will come new challenges and new growth space for me.

also, the opportunity to move somewhere less expensive is a super fine bonus. i love our place so much, but it won't be the same without her, and it's not worth the expense! i'd rather save some money & stress.

altogether, huge shock. this is going to be a crazy month of processing, grieving, packing, moving, and branching out, for both of us. but i think good things are coming.